after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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