Pants 0. Shit 1.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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