He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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