the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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