Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
