there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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