What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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