Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Randomize
