K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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