THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
