I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
