We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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