Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
