I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
