I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
