i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
