Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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