I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
