Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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