I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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