my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Found your dick twin last night
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
