Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I fill condoms, not promises.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
