the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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