did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
