he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
