guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
