Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
