OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i drank out of a bidet.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
