i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
