Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
