I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
