he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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