Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
