we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize