Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
