i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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