She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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