My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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