I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
