you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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