This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
