This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
