I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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