you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
