I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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