last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
