I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
