I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
