How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
