im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
