If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize