I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
