she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
