My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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