i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize