someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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