Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
