I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
