I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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